How to Talk With Teens About Sex

Quick Facts

• You may think talking about sex will lead to teens having sex. However, research shows that teens who have talked with their parents about sex are more likely to postpone sex and use birth control when they do become sexually active.
• You don’t need to be an expert on sexuality to have meaningful conversations with your children. Every parent can share their values about sexuality, relationships and respect for others.
• Teens with high self-esteem are more likely to make responsible decisions about sex.
• Teens often overestimate the number of their friends who are having sex. This belief puts pressure on teens (especially boys) to have sex before they’re ready.
• The United States has one of the highest birth rates among developed countries.

Topics to Talk About

Although your teen may have some concept of these topics from the media, school and friends, be sure to discuss these topics with your teen one-on-one. Your teen could be severely misinformed regarding these issues:

• Male and female reproductive systems.
• Sexual intercourse.
• Pregnancy.
• Abstinence and postponing sex.
• Ways to show affection without having sex.
• Birth control.
• Safer sex.
• Sexual orientation (heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, queer, etc.).
• HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
• Emotional consequences of sex.
• Sexual violence: rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse and sexual harassment.
• Identifying a healthy and safe sex life.
• How alcohol and other drugs affect decisions.

How to Talk Without Alienating Your Teen

Often, your teen may seem unapproachable or extremely uncomfortable when talking to you about personal issues such as sex and sexuality. Consider these ideas to encourage open conversation with your teen:

Be clear about your values. Before you speak with your child about sexuality, think about what your values are. What do you believe? What does your faith tradition say? It’s important to give your children factual information and to be specific about how your beliefs either agree with or differ from science.

Start early. Too often, parents think they need to wait until they collect enough information and energy to be prepared to have “the talk.” However, sexuality is a part of every person’s life from the moment they’re born. Start the conversation early and make it clear that you’re always willing to talk about sexuality.

Own your own feelings. If you find it difficult to talk with your teen about sex, admit it, but tell them you believe it’s your job to do it.

Welcome questions. If your teen asks questions about sex, that doesn’t automatically mean they’re thinking about having sex. Don’t make assumptions. Find out what they want to know, and if you don’t know the answer, work to find the answers together.

Explore facts versus beliefs. Sometimes, factual information can challenge a personal belief or what a faith community believes. This can provide an opportunity to make sure that your child has both accurate information and hears what your values are relating to it. It also provides a chance to explain that there are different beliefs in the community, that people are allowed to disagree and that differing views should be respected as long as they’re based on ethics, responsibility, justice, equality and nonviolence.

Practice what you preach. (But don’t preach.) Young people often find it confusing when parents talk about a value regarding sexuality and then act in a way that contradicts that value. Being a good role model is a powerful message. That includes having a conversation — not just talking at them. Find out what they think and how they feel about sexuality and relationships. Then you’ll be able to share information and respond to questions in ways that will resonate with the belief system they’re developing for themselves.

Encourage a sense of pride. All children deserve to be wanted and loved, and you can reinforce this message. Let them know you’re interested in what they think and how they feel about any topic, whether it’s sexuality, school, religion, the future or whatever. When your children share feelings with you, praise them for it. Correct misinformation gently, and reinforce your values whenever possible.

Talk about reasons to wait. Remind your teen that they can choose abstain from sex even if they’ve had sex before. Reassure your teen that not everyone is having sex, and that it’s okay to be a virgin. The decision to be sexually active is too important to be based on what other people think or do. Discuss ways to handle pressure from others to have sex.

Leave age-appropriate articles or books about teenage sexuality around your home. Teens will pick them up on their own to read them.

Keep your sense of humor! Sexuality, in most aspects, can be a joyful topic. Remember to keep your sense of humor throughout conversations with your child.

Don’t stop after one talk. Your first talk with your teen regarding sex should not be your last. Talk about sex on an ongoing basis. Let your teen know that you are always open and willing to talk about any questions or concerns they may have.

Reviewed by: Nancy Brown, Ph.D.

Last reviewed: December 2019