Managing Grief During the Holidays

The holiday season can be a challenging and difficult time for grieving children and their families. Grief can be a life altering experience and both adults and children can be vulnerable to the stress and social expectations that the holidays bring. The following suggestions come from bereaved children, adolescents and their families. Follow your intuition and use the tips that will help you cope with the demands of the holidays.

Pace Yourself

Grieving people often describe physical fatigue and low motivation for activity, so choose the most important holiday traditions that still give comfort and meaning to your family.  Take care of yourself and your children. Get good rest, eat healthily, exercise and resist the temptation to be caught up in a hectic schedule of meaningless activities. Talk to your children and teens — find out which holiday celebrations they really enjoy. Be selective!

Make a Plan

Look ahead to where, how and with whom you will spend your family holidays. It’s okay to create some new traditions, such as taking a trip to a special setting and celebrating away from home. Do something that your deceased loved one really enjoyed and openly acknowledge that this ritual is in memory of them. You may want to send cards early, enclosing the funeral or memorial service program so that others are informed of your loss. It’s also okay not to send cards!

Be Open to Support

Allow others to help you with the holiday duties. Tell your relatives and friends this is a stressful time for you and enlist their help with decorating, cooking and taking children on holiday outings. Delegate what needs to be done so you don't feel the whole burden of creating a picture perfect holiday for those you love.

Express Your Feelings

Make time to sit down with your children and teens to talk about what they'll miss most about the absence of their loved one during this special time in your family life. It's normal to experience “grief triggers” during the holidays, where hearing a song, or smelling a certain food brings a rush of memories and emotions about the deceased. Don’t be afraid of the sadness, longing, emptiness and even anger that may need to be verbalized.  

Remember, it takes a lot more energy to hold back grief, memories and feelings than it does to own and express them. Sharing your concerns, feelings and apprehensions as the holidays approach with a trusted friend can be amazingly freeing and therapeutic!

Be Creative With Your Children

Making art, writing, music, playing — all these activities are healing for the heart and soul.  Draw pictures with your children of their favorite holiday memory with the deceased. Make a special ornament to hang on the tree or doorway. Write a holiday letter to your lost loved one and place it in a meaningful spot in your home. Fill a gratitude bowl by writing down cherished memories of them on slips of colorful paper. Use the bowl as a centerpiece at your holiday table and take time for each family member to choose a paper and read the treasured memory aloud.

Remember, parents — you do not have to be, or more importantly, give, all things to your children. Simplify and know that it's okay to have fun even though you're grieving this important person!