How to Handle Toddler Tantrums

Parents are often horrified when their sweet toddlers turn into unrecognizable monsters, kicking, screaming and writhing on the floor because they can’t get what they want. Although it may seem that time is standing still when your child is having a tantrum, these fits of temper are a normal part of a young child’s development and they’ll eventually grow out of them.

Children typically start having tantrums between the ages of 1 and 2, and this challenging behavior peaks between the ages of 2 or 3. Around this age, children start to want to do things by themselves, but they don’t yet have the ability. For example, they might want to play with a toy that is too advanced for their age.

“Your child’s understanding of what is going on is good, but she doesn’t yet have the words to express what she would like to get or wants to do,” Nina Rezai, M.D., a pediatrician at the Palo Alto Medical Foundation, says. “This leads to frustration and tantrums.”

By age 4, most children are able to use words to communicate what they want. When that happens, the tantrums taper off.

Tips For Preventing Tantrums

Although there’s no golden formula for preventing tantrums, there are many things you can do to make them less likely to happen. Dr. Rezai suggests the following tips:

• Distraction. Offer a different toy or book or change locations, such as going outside or to a different room.

• Don’t say “no” too often. When your child hears you say “no,” it’ll often make them want to do the opposite. Instead, use the distraction method.

• Remove temptation. Is your child drawn like a magnet to the fireplace or an antique vase? Cover the fireplace with a guard to make it inaccessible and put the vase in a closet. Out of sight really is out of mind for a toddler.

• Give some choices: Your toddler wants control. Instead of going to battle, give them some limited choices that still help you achieve what needs to get done. “Instead of saying, ‘It’s time to get dressed,’ offer a choice,” Dr. Rezai says. “Ask, ‘Do you want to put your pants on first or your top?’ By having a choice, your child still feels he’s in control.”

• Create routines. Young children thrive on structure so maintaining a regular routine can help minimize tantrums. If your child hasn’t had enough sleep or is hungry, temper displays are more likely. Unfamiliar situations can also be stressful and trigger tantrums. If you have a busy day coming up, make sure your little one has had plenty of rest beforehand. If you’re out and about, keep some healthy snacks on hand to help your child stay on an even keel.

How to Handle a Tantrum

Toddlers want your attention, whether it’s positive or negative, so the best thing you can do is ignore displays of anger such as kicking, screaming and crying. “By ignoring your child’s tantrum, your child will learn that this behavior will not get attention,” Dr. Rezai says. She also offers these tips:

• Safety-proof the space. Make sure your child is in a safe place and can’t get hurt or hurt anyone else. You can also try holding your child or standing close without talking until your child calms down. If your child has a tantrum in a public place such as a restaurant or grocery store, try to move to a less crowded area like your car.
• Try to stay calm. “If you feel you are losing your temper and your child is in a safe place, leave the room for a short while to regain your composure. By the time you return, your child may also have calmed down,” Dr. Rezai says.
• Give a short time-out. Have your child sit in a chosen place and don’t give them any attention. The time-out should be about one minute for each year of your child’s life, and you can set a timer so your child knows when the time-out is over. Afterward, explain the reason for the time-out. Although it seems obvious for an adult, for a child, you need to explain social rules with simple words like, “It is not OK to hit.”

“Give your child words to express feelings of frustration,” Dr. Rezai says. “For example, say, ‘Next time instead of screaming, you can say, ‘I’m mad.’”

The Bottom Line

Tantrums are part of a child’s normal development, not an indication of your child’s temperament. Often a child with fewer language skills will have more tantrums and these will resolve as the child learns to express themselves. Children who are more sensitive and need more structure might also have more tantrums. Adhering to a good, regular routine can help keep life calm — for you and your child.