How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

You may squirm when your toddler, preteen or teen asks about sex—but it’s a priceless chance to foster open communication between you and your child. When you talk with your kids about sex and other uncomfortable topics as they grow, you prepare them to make safe, value-driven decisions.

“I’ve heard so many parents say, ‘My kids know more than me! I can’t keep up with what they see on social media, and I don’t want them to think I’m a moron so I hesitate to bring up this stuff,’” says Nancy L. Brown, Ph.D., developmental psychologist and education projects manager at Palo Alto Medicine Foundation. “But it is so important for parents to take an active role and to just go ahead and be uncomfortable because kids, no matter whether they acknowledge it or not, really want to hear from their parents.”

Here are Brown’s suggestions for honest, frank dialogue with your kids.

Start Young

It’s natural and healthy for toddlers to ask about their bodies, so welcome their questions. But before you answer, find out what they’re really asking.

For example, Brown says, when your little one asks where babies come from, “Ask your child, ‘Why do you want to know?’”

“That gives you so much information,” she explains. “A 4-year-old does not really want to know about penises and vaginas and love and values; they’re so far from that. By asking why he wants to know, you might find out that his friend just got a little sister, and he’s thinking, ‘I want a little sister! Can we get one?’ Then you’ll be able to judge what information they want and what they’re ready for.”

Eventually, when you do give details, calmly use words like penis and vagina to nullify any sense that body parts or sexual topics are shameful. And when you see your child masturbating, don’t overreact; gently and simply explain that it’s a private activity.

Set the Stage in Grade School

Children grow up fast in the Internet age. “I just shake my head at the amount of sexual information, visual and text, that kids are exposed to at earlier and earlier ages,” says Brown. “And it’s not a kid whose parents aren’t monitoring or who is a risk-taker and looking for this information—it’s all kids.”

With your elementary-age kids, it’s fine to admit you feel awkward talking about sex, but repeatedly assure them that they can ask you questions—any questions—about things they’ve seen or heard. “By modeling our comfort with different topics early on, it creates an environment where kids will ask questions,” says Brown.

Be ready for more than a one-off “birds and bees” chat. As kids mature, you’ll need to define terms like vaginal, oral and anal sex; you’ll also likely get questions about sexual orientation, transgenderism and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Research consistently shows that the more medically accurate information youth have, the fewer risky behaviors they choose.

Talking to Teens

As children enter their teen years, some become sexually intimate with a partner—but many do not. “The media makes it look like everybody’s doing it, but in fact 80 percent of kids walking onto liberal arts colleges this fall will be virgins,” Brown says.

Of course, many kids do become sexually active—and your open communication is critical to reduce unsafe choices. A 2015 survey revealed that most teens who don’t use birth control or protection do so because they fear their parents will find out.

So bring it up! Be available. Listen without judgment. Ask if you’ve answered their questions. If you haven’t, tell them, “we can google anything together and find out,” Brown says. Quality, not quantity, of parent-teen communication lowers sexual risk-taking and delays (rather than encourages) teens’ sexual activity.

Enlist Help

What if your own embarrassment, personal history or cultural norms make discussion about sex nearly impossible? “If you are not the kind of parent that can bring up sex, then make sure you say to kids over and over again as they’re growing up, ‘I can’t talk to you about this stuff, but your aunt or your grandma are great at it,’” Brown suggests. “Make sure they know they can turn to somebody you trust to give them medically accurate and value-laden material.”

Also check with your church or synagogue, or organizations such as Planned Parenthood, for information and classes to help you discuss sex, dating and other important issues with teens.

Safer Sex in Focus

Your family values and attitudes will shape how you talk about sex, but no matter what, make sure your child knows how to access barrier methods and contraception, avoid STIs and prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

Along with physical risk, discuss the potential emotional aftermath of sexual intimacy. Help your child think about what makes a relationship strong. Talk about what it means to truly care for another person. Your opinion matters. “No matter whether teenagers acknowledge it or not, parents are the most important people to them. They trust you, more than anybody else,” Brown says.

Discuss Sexual Abuse and Date Rape

Among high-school students who date, 21 percent of girls and 10 percent of boys experienced physical or sexual dating violence, according to 2016 data. Give your kids guidelines around dating, like going on group or double dates with trusted friends and avoiding empty homes. Encourage them to trust their instincts and leave as quickly as possible if they feel nervous in a situation.

You are the Expert

Most of all, take every chance to cultivate mutual love, respect and openness with your kids. “Our society keeps changing and growing apart,” says Brown. “As parents, we need to reinforce to our children that no matter who you are, what you think or how scared you are, you are always safe and loved by your family.”