Moving Into Forgiveness

There is a saying that is useful in working with resentment: “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The source of the statement is hard to pin down, but it’s a helpful illustration of how we can harm ourselves by holding on to bitterness.

Consider the physical and emotional properties of a grudge. Just thinking about it can cause a closed off feeling in the heart, a hardening or weariness. Sometimes there’s a tightness in the chest, a clenching of the jaw. Feelings of sadness and or dread can arise.

We know that holding a grudge can clog the easeful flow of life and negatively affect our overall level of happiness. So how do we move into forgiveness?

Taking Action

The word forgiveness comes from the old English ‘for’ and ‘giefan,’ which together mean completely giving or receiving. There’s an openness and flow in the practice. Offering forgiveness does not mean we simply ignore the wrongs done to us; instead, we become mindfully aware of what happened, and work through our pain and reactivity.

Practicing forgiveness brings us back to a more relaxed state and allows us to move into wise action. We might choose to take steps to remove the transgressor from our lives if they can’t be responsible with our hearts, or we could simply distance ourselves from their emotional reach. Wise action could involve adjusting our own viewpoint and attitude. 

Practicing at Home

Try these steps to move from grudge to forgiveness:

• Bring to mind an event that led to persistent bitterness. 
• Allow any related sensations, feelings, or images to come up.
• If you tighten against the experience, see if you can soften, physically and/or mentally, using your breath, gentle touch, or imagery.
• Bring in self-compassion to ease any pain that arises as you continue to bear witness. See if you can find empathy for the object of your grudge (and for yourself).
• Investigate the circumstances. What internal and external factors contributed? Is there an action to take now that feels appropriate? Do you leave things be and cultivate acceptance? Move this person out of your inner circle? Maybe you realize that you’re the one who should apologize.
• It’s normal for a grudge to come up again, even with regular forgiveness practice. When this happens, simply go back through the steps.