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Tips and Advice for Talking With Preteens

We live in a high-pressure world, and we want our children to be successful. These days, it seems like kids have to be athletes, play an instrument, be involved in community service and excel in school just to be “average.”

Many adults struggle with the desire to be good parents. You may want to provide your kids with opportunities you didn’t have and give them a chance to be the best they can be. However, in the process, you may:

  • Experience a lot of stress.
  • Feel that you don’t communicate with your children as much as you would like to, or about the things that you should.

Explore how to balance stress and success while making a commitment to communicate more with your children. Try the activities below to get your mind thinking about your children, and then go talk to them.

Activity A – What Stresses Your Children?

1. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the center. Only write on one side.

  • Write down five things that you think cause your child stress, in order of how much stress they cause. It’s likely that some answers involve stress from trying to do too much. (That’s not rocket science – kids’ lives mirror ours.)
  • Did you happen to write down “parents”? Unfortunately, parents often cause kids stress by being too pushy or nosy, or by putting too much pressure on kids.

2. After you finish writing, fold the paper and ask your child fill in the other half by writing down their biggest stressors. Then compare answers. The process will make for an interesting conversation.

Activity B – Quality Time

1. Write down the last time that you just hung out with your child—not washing dishes, folding laundry, shopping or anything else—just hanging out listening to music, watching clouds or the ocean, or talking.

  • Research suggests that family time should be as important as education, athletics, community service, music, dance, social activities and other outside commitments.
  • Kids need time to talk with parents, as well as some unstructured time each day to “process” what they are learning.
  • Preteens and teenagers also need about 10 hours of sleep each night.

2. You can help reduce stress by spending time with your child. Shoot hoops, read, cook, talk, sit, walk, play cards, anything.

  • This time tells children that you find them interesting and worthwhile, which will boost their self-esteem.
  • This is also the prime time that kids will ask parents questions.

3. Make a list of ways to give more time to your children.

  • Don’t be disheartened if you try a few ideas and they’re duds. Just keep trying – your children will appreciate the effort.
  • A big bonus is that hangout time is relaxing for you, too.
  • Remember, when weighing the value of the time you spend, hanging out together is important for opening up communication. It may take a while before they talk, but they will.

How to Initiate Good Communication

Start early. Waiting until your children are 12 to have the “sex talk” isn’t a good idea. Kids are forced to cope with tough issues at increasingly earlier ages. That includes not only sex but also alcohol, drugs, peer pressure, smoking—the list goes on forever. There’s a lot to cover, and the lessons should be gradual.

Tailor communication to a child’s age. For example, toddlers learn about eyes, ears, penis, breasts, etc. Five-year-olds should know the correct terms for all body parts and understand how babies are made and where they come out of a female’s body.

Add more information as your child grows. By the time a child is 10, they will need to be comfortable talking with you about body odors, bathing during periods, etc. If you start talking about everything at 10, it may feel intrusive to your child.

Initiate conversations with your child, even about sexuality. While some kids will ask you questions, others need you to start the conversation. This doesn’t mean you should start a conversation out of the blue; it means be aware of naturally occurring moments.

For example, when something on TV mentions sex, ask what they know about the topic or if they have any questions. Listening to what the kids talk about in the car may provide other opportunities – jump right in when you can.

Create an open environment. At no other time in history have children been exposed to so much information, and they need to know they can ask you anything. Try not to overreact when your 10-year-old asks what oral sex is. Just ask what they really want to know, and answer as clearly and honestly as you can.

Clearly communicate your own values. Don’t assume they understand. Tell them, “I don’t think sex before marriage is ever acceptable” or “I think sex before marriage is OK if and only if the couple has discussed it, is using a reliable method of contraception and condoms, and their parent knows.”

Listen to your child. If you really listen, your children will feel more comfortable talking to you. Your undivided attention tells them they are important and you are committed to understanding their feelings and providing information.

Try to be honest. Whatever your child’s age, they deserve an honest answer – it strengthens trust. If you don’t give a complete answer, they will make one up, which may be more frightening than the truth. The most difficult questions also give you a chance to add in your values.

Be patient. Let your children ask the whole question, and ask for the story that explains why they want to know. It will help you give the correct answer. In most cases, kids are not asking for the complex answer you may want to give.

Talk about it again, and again, and again. If your child asks the same question several times, maybe over several days or weeks, be tolerant and give the answer, over and over again. Chances are good that your child is taking in some of the answer, processing and then coming back for more when ready. Persistence is a valuable character trait.

Admit if you don’t know something and look for the answer together, or tell your child when you will come back with the answer.

Ask for feedback. Let a little time pass after an important conversation and then ask your child to tell you what they remember and understood from the conversation, or what they thought you were saying.

My favorite example of this comes from some research we did a few years ago with parents and teenage girls. We had each parent and child talk about premarital sex for about 30 minutes, while we taped the conversations. Then we talked to the girls and parents separately.

In one room, the parents were so pleased with themselves – they had conveyed their values to their daughters. They had told their daughters that they were definitely against premarital sex, even if the parents had done it.

In the room next door, the girls were saying yes, they understood what their parents expected from them sexually – they knew their parents trusted them to make the right decision and if they were really in love, sex before marriage was OK.

The moral of this story is, ask them what you said – the answer may surprise you. More important, it gives you a chance to say what you believe again, in a way they will hear.

How to Encourage Preteens to Communicate

  • Turn off the TV and get the family involved in a project, volunteer experience, board game or other activity.
  • Make time to help with a science experiment or other school project. Chaperone a field trip or extracurricular event.
  • Learn a new computer program or game with your child. Investigate the internet together—have your child take you to a couple of their favorite pages.
  • Encourage your kids to play the music they like in the family room or kitchen. Listen to the lyrics and ask what they mean to your child.
  • Take time to support the wonder of children – look at the night sky, go for a walk, plant a garden, listen to the birds.

There are no easy answers and no guarantees when raising kids, but knowing they can always talk with you and feel loved, cared for and respected is a great beginning.

 

Reviewed by: Melissa Raby, MPH

Last reviewed: October 2019

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