Dealing with Difficult People

Madison Brown-Moffitt - Public Health Education Intern

Palo Alto Medical Foundation

You've heard the sayings, "there are two sides to every problem" and "it takes two to tango." Designed to make us look at our own behavior, these adages presuppose that the person with whom you're tangoing wants to resolve a conflict. What do you do when the other person thrives on adversity and drama? First, ask yourself what drives this relationship. It may be based on:

Perceived debt.
Duty.
Guilt.
Fear of disapproval.
Fear of angering the person.
Fear of losing the relationship.
Fear of being perceived as a bad person.
Fear of feeling guilty, selfish or unloving.

Erratic behavior is unsettling and disorienting. When someone close to you demands constant attention or blows up at you out of the blue, it's hard not to get upset. Remember that you only have control over your own behavior. If the difficult person is someone you have to deal with, here are some tactics to help you maintain your peace of mind.

Warning Signs

Difficult people:

Focus only on themselves.
Get offended frequently and easily.
Ignore your opinion.
Use emotional blackmail (sulking, crying, threatening, becoming cold) to manipulate you into doing what they want.

General Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People

Don't apologize for yourself.
Never underestimate nodding and smiling.
Try to stay pleasant and calm.
Understand and accept that their reality might be different so you can try to interact with them in a non-combative way. Sometimes, no matter what you do, they will feel attacked.

Non-defensive Communication

Some people have gotten their way by yelling, playing victim, sulking, threatening and blaming. A natural reaction is to defend and protect yourself, when in fact, those responses usually raise the emotional intensity. Don't become defensive during these difficult conversations.

Some non-defensive statements like:

I’m sorry you’re upset.
I can understand how you might see it that way.
That is interesting.
Let’s talk when you are feeling calmer. Then leave the situation.

Enlisting the Difficult Person as an Ally

When you've reached an impasse, try shifting the conversation to involve the other person in your problem-solving process. You can ask for help, suggestions or information and possibilities you had not considered by approaching the person with curiosity and a willingness to learn.

Some possible questions and statements:

Can you help me understand why this is so important to you?
Can you help me find things we can do to make our relationship better?
Can you help me understand why you are so upset?
What can we do to solve this problem?
I wonder what would happen if…

If the solution seems like their idea, it makes them more on board with it.

If you find ways to diffuse the feelings associated with the difficult person and still want to get to know them or strengthen a relationship, put it on your terms. Try initiating contact that you're comfortable with. For example, you can say, “I’m free Fridays from 4 to 7; would you like to have dinner sometime? Let me know and we can try to make a plan."

Reviewed by: Cynthia Gelke, MFT

Last reviewed: July 2019