[MUSIC PLAYING]
JOHN COMPAGLIA: This work of grief and bereavement
counseling is really important to me.
It's important on the one hand because it's
such an honor, and really a sacred duty,
I think, on my part, to be present in caring
and understanding with people as they
go through one of the most difficult times of their life.
KRISTINA SWANSON: Well, grief is a very transformative process.
And we grieve deeply because we love deeply.
KRISTIN KING: All we can do is help each other,
connect with one another, and to create special sacred moments
when we can.
SARAH HICKMAN: One of the most important things
that we teach in our program about grief
is that it happens to everyone.
It is a natural part of human life.
And yet, people feel so sometimes
ashamed or fearful to come in and ask for help.
ADA TERRY-AINA: One of the things
that I really appreciate about what Sutter Care at Home does
is that our services are free.
And they're offered not just to our clientele
but to the community at large.
STACY CARR: We need to heal from grief as a community.
I remember the words of Helen Keller.
She said, we are not alone.
We bereaved are the largest company
in all the world, the company of those who have known loss.
And if we can remember that and reach out and get the support
we deserve, then we have a chance
to come together through this stronger.
JOHN COMPAGLIA: Sutter Care at Home Hospice
has nine locations in Northern California.
And we offer free bereavement services
to the loved ones of our patients who have died,
as well as the community.
There is one-on-one grief counseling.
We also offer a variety of grief groups.
Sometimes we call the first year the year
of firsts, because there's these really big and important days,
such as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.
And these days are significant because of the history
that we each bring to them.
So when they come up for the first time
without our loved one, the grief can just really hit us hard.
I want people to know that this is a very caring process.
This is not an invasive process.
KRISTINA SWANSON: Grief is universal,
but it affects us all differently.
It's very individual, based on personality
or the significance of the relationship to the mourner.
So it's really important to find ways
that feel comfortable to you and to give yourself
permission to change some of those traditions that
might be unbearable to move forward with at this time.
It's really important to acknowledge cultural influences
when someone is grieving.
What might feel normal to one culture
might seem strange to another.
And so it's really important to ask questions
about what feels acceptable to your family.
Are there cultural mourning periods in place?
Are there religious traditions practiced?
It's about meeting people where they are in their journey
and asking and not telling them, this
is how you should be coping.
Because it's really personal.
So being able to bear witness to someone else's
pain in their most vulnerable time,
and then seeing them grow and change,
is really meaningful and powerful work.
It just fills you with a lot of gratitude
to see people change over time from their lowest point
to be able to smile again.
STACY CARR: So we're very involved in our community.
We go into workplaces to help the workers when
a co-worker has died suddenly.
We go into schools when there's been a crisis and students
and faculty are suffering.
We look for ways that our community needs us.
When grief happens on a community level,
it's actually a little bit easier to grieve,
because people come together to support each other.
And that's what we need when we're grieving.
The best way to help people who are grieving
is to just be there for them, just to listen, just
to give them encouragement when they're
losing their hope that they're going to get through this.
We think there's some magic words we need to say
or something big we have to do.
But it's always in the little things,
doing little things for them, anticipating something
they might need, maybe taking them a meal
or taking out their garbage if you're their neighbors,
something small.
It's not in something big.
It's always in something small.
When we think we can take away their pain,
when we think we can fix it all for them by saying
the right things, then we're minimizing their grief
and what they're going through.
And it's unintended but we hurt them in that way,
and they close down from us.
All we need to do is listen and believe what they say to us
and just be there to say, you're going to get through this.
You will.
It's just hard right now.
And that means more than we know to them.
ADA TERRY-AINA: Grief really is the price that we pay for love.
And so children are capable of giving and receiving love,
just like an adult is.
But the difference between intervention
for a child versus an adult is the fact
that children are still developing.
And so therefore, they're still gaining
the skills of how to internal control and all
of those things.
And so that's why it's critical for them
to be offered intervention support,
because they're still in those developmental stages.
If kids have the opportunity to share their story,
they're going to have the opportunity
to heal from the pain of the loss.
Parents are going to be their child's best advocate.
And by observing their child, they'll
know that their child is feeling more withdrawn,
they may be wanting to cling to that parent even more so,
or isolate.
And so I explain to parents also that a lot
of times when they're going through that grief,
the same behavior that the parent is modeling
is the same behavior that their child is modeling.
So if the parents are saving face
because they're trying to be strong in front of that child,
the child's doing the same thing.
And so we teach parents that strength is to be vulnerable,
that is strength.
I tell you, every experience with every one of my kids,
it's all unique.
And they know that Ms. Terry wants
to see them grow and thrive and have peace through what they've
been through.
SARAH HICKMAN: : The children's bereavement art group is an art
therapy group open to all members of the community,
children ages 4 through 17 who have experienced the death
of a significant person in their life.
Art therapy can really help get to the core of concerns
very quickly.
It can also make sessions a lot more approachable.
Sometimes people that might feel fearful about coming in
for therapy or treatment, as it's sometimes called,
art therapy can make it feel really comfortable and fun.
And yes, sometimes it is used more actively in the session,
where all we're doing is making art together.
Or sometimes it's used more passively,
where we're really talking and making
art alongside our conversation.
Art actually has a lot of benefits.
It can improve our mood, reduce stress.
It can help us problem solve.
And you don't need to have access to an art therapist
to get some of those therapeutic benefits at home.
At home, the luminaria project is a great opportunity
for the family to come together and do something
in honor of the loved one, sit around the table,
get supplies out, talk, maybe even have some snacks.
So a luminaria, or as some people call it, a luminary,
is a paper bag with a light inside.
So it can be just a simple bag like this.
And you can put an LED tea light.
And this project is really special
because it can just bring light to a very difficult time
in your life and it's something that you
can return to year after year.
So what we recommend is to take the bag
and to use scissors to create holes
so the light can shine through.
The final project might look something like this.
You could decorate the luminaria with gems, sparkles.
I used butterflies.
Butterflies are often seen in the art
of grieving children and families because they're
a symbol for transformation and growth.
When you make your luminaria, you put the tea light inside.
And you could also put a picture of your loved one
on the outside.
You could write a note to them.
And you could place this in a spot in your home
where maybe you have some photos of them
or belongings of theirs.
And like I mentioned, you could return to this year after year
and kind of create a ritual around it.
Creating ritual is a very important part
of expressing grief in a healthy way.
And this is really something that the whole family
can do together.
KRISTIN KING: Music belongs to everybody.
You can use music by connecting with others through music.
So sharing music with one another
as a way to communicate your thoughts, your feelings,
your experiences.
Music is also really very strongly
connected to our memories.
So using music as a way to remember, to reminisce.
And that can be true of just our lives in general,
but that can also be true in bereavement.
So using it as a way to remember and to honor
the spirit of someone that you're remembering.
You can use music more beneficially
by using it actively.
So that would be making specific playlists
that you control that you specifically
add certain songs into them to help with a certain need.
So maybe that's helping you to connect
with a specific emotion.
So maybe you have a playlist that helps you relax
or helps you with anxiety or helps you go to sleep.
So the use of purposeful playlists
might be one thing that you can do at home
that would be beneficial.
We tend to use music-assisted relaxation.
We use a lot of songwriting with patients.
So using songwriting as a way to explore what someone's
going through and using the song as a space to hold those
experiences.
JOHN COMPAGLIA: I really want you to remember that you're not
alone in your grief.
Please reach out to friends and family,
help them support you through this time.
And we here at Sutter Care at Home really
want you to know that we're here for you
and we want to be here for you.
So please, call on us for help.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) We remember you.
We remember you.
We remember your light.
We remember you.
We remember you.
We remember your light.
We remember you.
