Parenting a Preteen or Teen

Being the parent or guardian of a preteen or teen isn't as scary as it sounds. Most of the time they are struggling to be independent and to fit in at school, at home and with friends. Keep in mind that helping your preteen or teen to become an adult takes time, patience and commitment. There is no such thing as an instant adult!

There are two things to remember: preteens and teens need lots of love, and they need a caring adult to help shape their moral compass and give them support during these difficult transitional years.

Encourage and Be Involved

• Let your child know that you love them no matter what. Preteens and teens need a trusting and loving relationship with a parent or other adult to feel safe and secure.
• Talk to your preteen or teen – listen to their ideas and opinions, and do things together.
• Get to know your child's friends and learn what they do in school; it helps you understand your preteen or teen even better.
• Show you care by chaperoning a trip.
• Join a parent group or support group where you and other parents can discuss parenting issues.
• Attend all parent-teacher conferences at school.
• Go to your child's athletic events and school musicals.
• Answer your child's questions about health risks.
• Teach children to respect themselves and others.
• Challenge your preteen to discover their own incredible potential.
• Show your preteen or teen that you are proud of their accomplishments, both large and small.

Set Limits and Boundaries

• Establish limits and boundaries, such as curfews, study hours, behavior at parties and expectations for special occasions.
• Define the consequences of unacceptable behavior – make sure your preteen or teen understands the consequences and then stick to them.
• Recognize that some limits are negotiable and others are not.
• Guide your preteen or teen toward choices that will keep them safe.
• While preteens and teens may fight with parents about some decisions, they usually realize that the limits placed on them are a sign of love, rather than control.
• Monitor your child's behavior – what they say and do, where they go and with whom, and when they’re expected home.
• Redefine your limits of control over your child's life as they start to think and act more maturely. Otherwise you risk some major problems in your relationship.
• Monitor your own behavior – what you say, what you do and what you believe. Your behavior will make a huge difference in the choices your preteen or teen makes.

Communicate

• Be honest and open with your preteen or teen when talking about your values, beliefs and ideas. It may be wise to simply say, "Here's what I think about...," – briefly explain your views, and then drop the subject.
• Help your preteen or teen to make responsible choices by talking about their options.
• Tell your preteen or teen if you are disappointed or upset with their behavior.
• Praise, hug, encourage and say, "I love you."
• Express your expectations for their goals and accomplishments.
• Recognize that your child's life may be very different from your own adolescence.
• Your preteen or teen deserves guidance, high but realistic expectations for achievement and a fair balance between rules and freedom.

Reviewed by: Jean Jacquemet, R.N.

Last reviewed: October 2019