Being a Parent to a Young Adult

Managing Communication with Young Adults

Parents are more connected to their kids via the internet and cellphones than in any generation previously. That’s wonderful, but it means you know more about their lives than your parents knew about your life. Here are suggestions for keeping communication open and supportive:

• Don’t move, downsize or repurpose their room, at least for the first year after they move out.
• Keep your young adult involved in your life and home, such as planning vacations.
  Share stories about your own transition to adulthood (noting that the world was different 30 years ago).
• Be available, if you can, when they call or text, advising only when requested.
• Welcome your young adult home and celebrate the time your family spends together.
• Try to simply listen, be compassionate and remind them you’re proud of them and love them unconditionally.

Back at Home

In addition to communicating more, young adults are also more likely to live at home during or after college, sometimes even bringing a partner or grandkids with them. In fact, about half of young adults age 18 to 30 live with parents for at least a couple years.

Living with a young adult can work for both parties by following some basic guidelines:

• Approach the experience as something to build together with respect and choice.
• Make clear any non-negotiable rules or values before the young adult returns home.
• Be ready to compromise. The “you live under my roof, you play by my rules” approach may not lead to a peaceful co-existence.
• Treat them like adults. Young adults have grown up, completed school and are legally responsible for themselves, and they will expect some autonomy.

Renegotiating Your Role as Parent

With a positive attitude and acceptance of your young adult as an adult and potential friend, you have the chance to build the house rules and negotiate consequences for breaking those rules again (assuming your teen had some input earlier in their life).

Start with house basics:

• When does everyone sleep?
• Who does each chore, including laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning?
• Who pays the monthly bills?
• Who hands car insurance, car maintenance and filling the car with gas?
• How are big things discussed and agreed on, such as who owns which furniture and whether walls can be painted?
• How will you handle visits from friends, including whether friends (of both sexes) can spend the night or hang out and watch TV or use the BBQ on weekends?

Prepare your own attitudes and approaches as the new living arrangement begins:

• Assume that everything is negotiable. Take deep breaths.
• Try to put yourself in their shoes. Acknowledge that the young adult may be a little wary of moving home, and try to understand what they hope to accomplish.
• Rules should be realistic and tied to the young adult’s income, employment status and student loans. It would be unfair to charge an unemployed person full rent, but you can give them 60 days to find a job and let them know the rent will be a certain percentage of their net pay, or that there’s no rent if they pay a certain amount on student loans each month.
• Plan a time after a month or so to talk about how the new living situation is going, renegotiate what isn’t working or change it based on a new job, raise or relationship status.

Here are some tips to help you live through this part of parenting:

• Do not “fix” their problems. Ask what they’ve done to resolve a problem, point them in the right direction and support their attempts to solve it on their own.
• Avoid reactive parenting by thinking ahead. For example, help them learn about managing money by developing a spending plan (aka budget). Open an account and transfer the agreed-upon amount into it on the first of every month. Say “no” to any further requests for money, unless it’s truly an emergency.
• In advance, talk about things that will annoy you. If you get angry, talk about why.

Remember, they are learning to be adults. It’s easy for everyone to fall into old patterns: you’ll want to be the boss and call the shots, and they may take resources and support for granted. Everyone will adjust.

Transferring and Sharing Responsibility

Basically, no matter how old your young adults are, you will always be transferring and sharing responsibility. Call it “nurturing on demand.” In theory, after age 18 a person is responsible for their own life. They’ve lived away from home and know how to shop, cook, do laundry and manage their finances, but that doesn’t mean they always want to (frankly, neither do parents).

There may be times when your young adult is completely prepared and competent, choosing to take care of everything related to their own life and annoyed at your intervention. There may also be times when your young adult comes home weary, sick or just tired of managing everything and would love to have someone else do laundry, cook or manage their healthcare, at least for a time. If you choose to help, remember to agree to these tasks only temporarily.

It’s important to talk about these shifts in responsibility so that the nurturing is not expected or taken for granted. Once you’ve gotten used to the empty nest, holidays and visits can feel like a burden if your young adult assumes the visit is a vacation from responsibility.

At some level, young adults are learning as much as they did when they were toddlers, and the more you can explain yourself, encourage them and emotionally support who they are, the closer you’ll be to them. You are not alone; reach out to friends, healthcare professionals and extended family for support.

Reviewed by: Cynthia Gelke, MFT

Last reviewed: July 2019