Sometimes it seems like “everyone” your age is having sex. Forget it! What other people do doesn’t matter. Only you can answer the question: Is this the right time for me?
Asking questions of yourself and your partner, talking to people with experience, getting prepared and understanding what the first time might be like can help you decide whether you're ready for sex.
What won’t help you is making the choice while under the influence of alcohol, drugs or pressure from a partner or peers.
What are your own attitudes toward sex, and what do you really know? Figure out how you feel first, even before you talk to your partner. As a guide, run through the following questions and write down your responses:
If you don’t know much about the answers to these questions, you aren’t ready.
Once you know your own mind, you need to be able to discuss sex — and whether or not to have it — openly and confidently with your partner.
Both of you must feel this is the right time to introduce sex into your relationship and reach that decision without any pressure. You must be able to agree on issues such as birth control and STI prevention.
Talk with your partner about the following areas:
Talking about sexual history is difficult for many people — but it’s very important. You and your partner need trust each other in order to be honest about sexual history.
Be open and truthful with your partner, and express your need for the same. Be supportive if your partner has had an STI and take the time to better understand their situation.
Sample questions:
Only abstinence is 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy and STIs.
You and your partner need to discuss what you will do in case of pregnancy or STI transmission. You also need to discuss how having sex will affect your relationship.
Sample questions:
What do you hope for during and after sex? You or your partner may have opposite wishes for the first time — from just getting it over with to making love. Make sure you're on the same page.
Also discuss what you expect afterwards: Do you want to be held? Do you want sex to continue in your relationship? Do you want an exclusive relationship?
Sample questions:
There are many ways to reduce the risk of pregnancy and STIs. Finding the method that fits you best is like finding a good pair of jeans.
Some people prefer condoms (the best protection for penis-to-anus or penis-to-vagina protection), while others prefer other protection methods. Talk with your partner about your choices.
Many people overlook the fact that you can get a STI from oral sex. Don’t forget to talk with your partner about having safer oral sex.
Sample questions:
It's not uncommon for one partner to want to stop having sex during the first time – perhaps from pain, nerves or insecurity. If you or your partner needs to stop, you have the right to do so even if you're in the middle of having sex.
You both need to be prepared ahead of time. Discuss it, and discuss not blaming each other or feeling guilty if one of you wants to stop. Watch for your partner’s body language during sex. If your partner looks uncomfortable, ask about it.
Sample questions:
The decision over whether or not to have sex is ultimately up to you and your partner. However, it’s a big decision — so it’s helpful to seek out the advice of others.
Talking with someone is also important if you've had sex already but are experiencing problems. Talking about this subject may be uncomfortable, but having someone available who can answer your specific questions and who understands you can be a tremendous help.
Here are a few sources you might want to ask:
Last Reviewed: October 2019