Common Sexual Disappointments

When you’re first experimenting with sex, it’s very common to experience some problems and disappointments. If you or your partner experience any problems, don’t be afraid to go back a step and not have sex. During this time:

• Think about ways to enhance your relationship without sex.
• Get to know each other more and discuss your feelings about having sex.
• Learn what you each like as far as touching and get to know your bodies.
• Talk with an adult or your doctor. If you’re a minor and would prefer not to share this concern with your parents, ask your doctor to keep your discussion confidential.

Here are some common sexual situations and what you can do.

No Orgasm

Most females and some males don’t experience an orgasm the first time they have sex. This may be in part due to:

• Either person’s inexperience with touching and pleasing.
• Nervousness.
• Worry about pregnancy.
• Concern about sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
• Worry about your relationship with family.

Honest communication is key. Learn all you can about sexual consequences, listen to your partner and be honest with your own feelings. Respect and trust go a long way in building a healthy sexual relationship.

Cuming Too Soon

Ejaculating (cuming) too soon the first time is a common complaint or fear for guys. Don’t worry about it! If it happens to you or your partner, know that it doesn’t mean this is how it will always be.

Nervousness for some guys can make them lose their erection or not have an orgasm. For others, it can cause them to lose control in the excitement and cum too early or fast.

Feeling comfortable around each other will be vital if you feel you or your partner is cuming too soon. It helps for partners to work with each other, discussing feelings and building confidence and trust.

Losing the Erection

Having difficulty keeping an erection or reaching orgasm for males is not uncommon.

Nervousness and pressure to perform can easily make a guy lose his confidence or the mood. The more pressure a guy feels to perform, the higher the chance he will either lose his erection or ejaculate faster than he’d like to.

The key is to take away the pressure of sex and involve each other in other activities, such as massage and touching.

Don’t try remedies such as cock rings or penis lotions without consulting a doctor first. These can cause damage if not used properly.

Painful Vaginal Sex

You may have heard that sex for the first time can be painful, especially for a female. But painful sex doesn’t have to be the case at any time. Try the solutions below. If you still find sex painful, consider talking to an adult or your doctor. Your doctor will have a better understanding of your body and can give you helpful advice.

Pain: burning sensation during sex.
Possible cause: not enough lubrication.

When sexually excited, a female’s body produces lubrication that feels much like saliva. This helps reduce the chafing and burning caused by friction and allows easy movement in the vagina.

The woman’s body usually takes eight minutes to produce this lubrication after she begins to become sexually excited. If you’re having penile-to-vaginal sex, this can be frustrating for partners because it takes far less time for a male to get an erection.

Even if a female is very excited, she may not produce as much lubrication as needed to avoid chafing. Possible causes include:

• Being nervous or worried.
• Physical changes, such as childbirth or menopause.
• Some brands of birth control pills.
• Recent tampon use.
• Certain times of the month.

You can buy an artificial lubricant to help reduce chafing. Purchase a water-based lubricant, which is easier on the female body than oil-based lubricants such as Vaseline, baby oil or massage oil.

Using a water-based lubricant is especially important if you’re using latex condoms because oil-based lubricants can damage the condom. Water-based lubricants include the brands ID, Wet, Astroglide and KY Jelly. (Water-based lubricants can also help a female to insert a tampon into a dry vagina during her period.)

Pain: crampy or uncomfortable sensations during sex.
Possible cause: hitting the cervix.

When a woman becomes excited, her vagina produces lubrication, the back of the vagina extends and her cervix (the tip of the uterus) pulls up. When she’s relaxed, her cervix dips into the vagina.

It takes time to become fully excited and aroused. If she isn’t fully aroused, her cervix may not pull up even though she has produced lubrication. In certain positions during sex, the penis may hit the cervix if it hasn’t pulled up, causing an achy, crampy feeling that may linger after sex.

If you’re experiencing this problem, try a different position.

Pain: vagina feels too tight during penetration.
Possible cause: going too fast.

If a woman is nervous, not ready for sex or fearful of sex, her vagina might cramp up or go into spasms, making it feel clenched and difficult for the penis to enter.

If this happens, stop and slow down — it may be a sign that this isn’t the right time for sex. Take it slowly, be patient and talk openly.

Painful Anal Sex

Penis-to-anus sex can be painful, especially if there isn’t enough lubrication. It can also cause damage to the colon (the lower part of the intestine) if you and your partner aren’t careful. The colon is covered by a thin membranous tissue, which has many blood vessels and can tear easily.

If you choose to have anal sex:

• Be sure to use lots of lubrication to avoid tearing the colon.
• Reapply lubrication, which gets absorbed by the body over time.
• When using latex condoms or gloves, use water-based lubricants. Oil-based lubricants can damage latex.
• Check in often to see how your partner is feeling.
• Take it slowly — especially at first

Last Reviewed: October 2019