Consent and Consensual Sex
The issue of consensual sex typically comes up only when there’s doubt about whether both people engaging in sex want it to happen. However, consent should be discussed whenever you’re thinking about a possible sexual encounter.
In fact, consent should be the basis for every sexual encounter. Engaging in a sexual act without the other person’s consent is considered sexual assault or rape.
Every act requires consent. Even if you’ve been kissing, that doesn’t mean you can’t say “no” to anything further.
What is Consent?
Consent means:
- Both people in a sexual encounter must agree to it.
- Either person may decide at any time that they no longer consent and want to stop.
- When you consent to one behavior, that doesn’t obligate you to consent to any other behaviors.
- When you consent on one occasion, that doesn’t obligate you to consent on any other occasion.
Consenting means only that at this particular time, you would like to engage in this particular sexual behavior.
How Do You Determine Consent?
To determine if someone is giving consent, you must be able to answer two questions:
- Does the person want to give consent?
- Is the person capable of giving consent?
The easiest way to determine consent is simply to ask. This eliminates the uncertainty of guessing and trying to interpret signals.
Someone putting their hand on your hand might indicate that they like what you’re doing … or it might mean they want you to stop. The only way to be sure is to ask.
A person may also give consent nonverbally by actively engaging in the sexual act. Clearly, this implied consent is more difficult to gauge. So, if your partner seems to become more hesitant or uncomfortable, stop. Reassure your partner that you don’t want to do anything they don’t also want to do.
What If a Person Does Not or Cannot Give Consent?
Above all, if your partner ever says “no” during sex or asks you to stop, you must stop immediately. Saying no should never be treated as a game or as a signal that someone is “playing hard to get.” Simply put, “no” means “no” in any sexual encounter.
Certain circumstances make it impossible for a person to legally give consent. These circumstances include:
- When a person is not mentally or physically capable of choosing whether to engage in sexual behavior. Even if someone who is drunk or high seems eager to engage in sexual behavior, doing so can legally be considered sexual assault or rape.
- When a person is under age. The age at which a person can legally give consent for certain sexual behaviors, such as intercourse, oral sex or anal sex, varies by country and by U.S. state. Having sex with someone under the age of consent is legally considered a crime (statutory rape), even if the underage person says they wanted the sexual behavior to take place.
Why Should You Talk to Your Partner?
Making sure that your partner consents to a sexual encounter is one of the most important parts of having a mutually satisfying and ethical experience. Check in with yourself and your partner often to make sure that you’re both comfortable with what’s happening, and respect each other’s feelings.
Your partner might consent to oral sex but not to sexual intercourse, or you might consent to genital touching on one occasion but not another. You always have the right to say no, and anytime either you or your partner says no, the other person must respect that decision.
Even though talking beforehand doesn’t mean that both people will consent later, it makes it more likely that you and your partner will understand each other’s values and feelings.
Finally, if you’re unsure what rights you have in a sexual encounter, such as the right to stop giving consent and end the encounter at any time, read Sexual Rights.
Last Reviewed: August 2019