Help Your Child Learn to Manage Stress Effectively

Soccer practice, ice skating lessons, piano recitals, birthday parties, a full homework load and several school projects on the horizon – our kids’ lives can make the busiest Silicon Valley exec’s schedule look manageable.

Meg Durbin, M.D., a board-certified pediatrician and internist at Sutter’s Palo Alto Medical Foundation, has watched the trend of over scheduled kids closely.

“In today’s competitive environment, where kids feel they need to excel at so many different things, it’s easy to become overwhelmed,” she says. “Although stress is part of our daily lives, parents shouldn’t feel powerless and neither should their children. You can help your child learn to manage stress effectively, so that he or she can live a healthy, balanced life. And in the process of helping your child, you may find that you also increase your own life balance!

Signs of Stress in Kids

Just as adults can get stressed out, kids can, too, Dr. Durbin says. Stress may be affecting a child’s health, if he or she:

• Complains of headaches or stomach pains that have no physical cause.
• Seems withdrawn, forgetful or overwhelmed and is not completing tasks.
• Has trouble falling asleep and seems tired and irritable during the day.
• Is not thriving at school and has less interest than usual in attending classes and doing homework.
• Seems less interested in activities that used to give her pleasure.
• Loses or gains weight. This might indicate an eating disorder, which can be triggered by stress.

Ways to Help Children Manage Stress

“Although it’s impossible to eliminate stress from your child’s life, there are many things you can do to help your child learn to manage it,” Dr. Durbin says.

• Teach your child good time-management skills so school projects aren’t left until the last minute.
• Make sure your child gets regular breaks. For example, encourage your child to take a break when he or she gets home from school rather than immediately starting on homework. Tasks often expand to fit the time allowed for them. Taking time for socializing, a walk or a sports activity reduces stress and actually can save time in the long run, by increasing one’s ability to feel refreshed.
• Monitor the number of activities your child is signed up for and time required for each one. Notice if assignments are slipping behind schedule or your child has missed yet another sports practice. Talk with your child and agree on what is a reasonable amount of time spent in extracurricular activities and how to balance these with school work. It’s also important to build in unstructured time for relaxation and spending time with friends and family into each day. “Talk to your child’s teachers or counselors, or encourage your child to do so, if stress is due to struggling with academics or over work at school, such as too many honors or advanced placement classes,” Dr. Durbin advises. “Explore options like tutoring, reducing homework and getting extra time to complete some assignments.”
• Make sure your child is sleeping enough. (Most children and teens need about 9 or 10 hours a night.). It’s also important to exercise regularly, and eat healthy foods.
• Share ways that you manage stress successfully—whether it’s taking a brisk walk, reading a good book, talking with friends, or doing an art project. This has a double benefit. It’s great for your own physical and emotional health, and it powerfully models for your child the lifelong habits that are important for everyone to manage stress. “Keep the lines of communication open,” Dr. Durbin says. “Make sure you know what’s going on in your child’s life and check in with your child often.”
• It’s critical to discuss what’s driving your child’s stress. Is she feeling unrealistic pressure to succeed, and if so, where is that coming from? Even teens who say they are internally driven need to know that they are loved and respected unconditionally, not just as they get high grades and awards. “In this fast paced, competitive area, teens may feel the need to perform at high levels simultaneously in multiple arenas (sports, academics, the arts) in order to assure a secure future,” Dr. Durbin says. “Talk with your teen to help him or her develop the long view, reassuring your teen that there are many, many paths and definitions of success in life.”

Competitive Sports Stress

Although exercise is vital to a healthy life, competitive sports can be too much of a good thing and add unwanted stress to your child’s life – and yours.

“In any sports your child plays, you should ensure that he or she is not pushed too much either by the coach, parents or peers,” Dr. Durbin says. “It’s much more important that your child is having fun, learning how to play the game and be a supportive teammate and a good sport.”

It’s also important to be well rounded in choosing physical activity, preferably not just focusing on only one sport to the exclusion of all others. Overuse injuries are more common in athletes who constantly play only one sport.

“It’s generally healthier to try out many different sports that work different parts or the body,” Dr. Durbin says.

Social Media Stress

“The Internet and social media score big in pre-teens’ and teens’ lives, but it’s important to remember that social media participation can become a big stress factor,” Dr. Durbin says.

For pre-teens and teens, identifying with peers and their opinions and preferences is a natural part of growing up. Concern with one’s reputation among peers may peak during the teen years. Social media can add an extra layer to this stress by creating an environment where pre-teens and teens may write hurtful things they would never say in real life, Dr. Durbin explains.

“Your reputation used to be confined to your school or on the playground – but now this extends to the entire Internet,” she says. “Through social media sites, it’s all too easy to share misinformation, and engage in flaming and cyberbullying, which can be extremely stressful and hurt your child’s self-esteem.”

If your child does go online, keep tabs on what information your child is sharing and viewing. For safety as well as stress control, Dr. Durbin advises:

• Set consistent limits on Internet usage and screen time for computers, as well as hand held devices like smart phones and tablets. Ideally, turn off all such devices at bedtime—no buzzing, flashing, or ringing during sleep time.
• Use software applications to restrict access to certain sites.
• Educate yourself about social media and be aware of which apps your child buys and uses. Popular social media platforms come and go. Discourage your child from visiting or posting to sites that allow anonymous posting, which can encourage bullying. In addition, some apps are designed to hide content on mobile devices. Learn about these apps as teens may use them to hide pictures and other content they do not want their parents to see.
• Talk with your child about Internet safety and what’s appropriate (and what’s not) in online communications.
• Know your child’s friends. Have them over to your home for get-togethers or parties rather than just letting them interact online.
• Encourage your child to let you know if she sees or reads anything concerning on the Internet.