Rekindling the Intimacy in Your Relationship

You love your partner, of course. You can’t imagine life without him or her. But over time, you’ve probably noticed a decline in the passion – both emotional and physical – that you enjoyed at the start of your relationship. Is there anything you can do to rekindle that initial rush of attraction that brought you together? Yes. Feeling a bit disconnected from your partner does not mean your relationship is doomed.

In addition, as we get older, changing bodies and diminishing hormones can bring challenges to the best of relationships. Women who are in or near menopause may experience changes such as vaginal atrophy and a lack of desire. Men can have trouble getting and keeping erections, as well as flagging hormones. (Learn what you can do about these kinds of problems by reading Great Sex at Midlife.) It can all make the idea of physical intimacy daunting, leading to partners who feel rejected and lonely.

If your relationship has been on the back burner for too long, there are many simple things you can do to reconnect emotionally.

Visualize a New Relationship

Start by taking a look at what you want from your relationship. What are your priorities? What do you want your relationship with your partner to look like?

If sexual intimacy is an important part of that picture, focus your mind on cultivating a rewarding sex life. What we tell ourselves over and over is what we create. If we tell ourselves we’re too tired and too stressed to have sex, that’s what will happen. Instead, visualize a great sexual relationship. What would that look like?

To get started, schedule time doing something together that you both enjoy. Ask yourselves what brings you both joy and connects you. Something as simple as going on a hike or gardening together can enhance physical intimacy.

Try some simple exercises that can help you and your partner to reconnect, both emotionally and physically.

Exercise #1. Practice Random Acts of Kindness

Before going to bed at night, think of a few ways you can show your love to your partner the next day.

It might be something as simple as bringing your partner a cup of coffee in the morning, or sending an “I love you” text during the day. It might be a single flower as you walk in the door at the end of the day.

Add in a warm hug and a kiss before you leave for work, without any agenda (no comments or expectations). That brief physical connection will help to build trust that every hug does not have to lead to more sexual activity. Physical contact also stimulates the release of oxytocin, the hormone of connection, from the brain. Oxytocin also helps to lower stress.

Do these small steps every day for a week and you will likely see a change in your relationship.

What if you’ve drifted so far apart that you’re not feeling especially kind right now? Try to recall happier times. How did you behave when you first met? What did you or your partner do back then that has become a sweet memory? Turning your attention there can help shift your own mood, making the random acts of kindness easier.

The best time to do an act of kindness is when you least feel like it. Too often, couples wait until they feel loving to be kind to each other. Remember that it's the act of doing something kind for someone else that helps you shift to a more loving space.

Exercise #2. Practice Listening

When emotions rise, our kind and affectionate feelings toward our partners often fall away. Instead of talking, we trade tense statements, angry glances and verbal barbs. How can you stop that cycle of poor communication?

Try a simple “listen and repeat” exercise.

Ask your partner to sit down with you for a few minutes and go through a few steps. Sit facing each other. You are in the “speaker’s” seat, and your partner is in the “listener’s” seat.

1. For no more than three minutes (set a timer) say what you need to say to your partner. You’ll need to be precise and succinct, so you don’t go over your time. You may want to gather your thoughts beforehand. Use “I” statements when you are sharing so you don’t get into a “blame game.”
2. Your partner needs to simply listen. He or she should avoid making any comments or challenges to what you are saying. No facial expressions are allowed either.
3. After your three minutes are up, switch seats. Your partner is now in the speaker’s seat and you are now the listener.
4. Your partner now repeats, to the best of his or her ability, what you said. As the listener, you need to avoid embellishing or interpreting what he or she is saying. Refrain from defending yourself.
5. Next, return to your original seats and thank each other for taking the time to do this exercise.
6. If you don’t feel that your partner correctly heard what you were trying to say, take another turn. Stay in the speaker’s seat and try to express your thoughts more clearly.

This exercise, as simple as it seems, can change your conversations and bring you and your partner closer together.

Exercise #3. Share a Hug

If you’re not ready for deep, personal conversations, try some basic hugging.

Hugging can help restore a sense of closeness with your partner. It can create a feeling of intimacy, without any words, that may allow for more verbal intimacy in the future.

Practice holding each other in a comfortable, non-sexual hug. Do it standing up, wherever you are – in the kitchen, garden, garage. And do it without the expectation that it will lead to sex. At first, you might feel uncomfortable. You might sense the stress in both of your bodies. But try not to let go too soon. If you hang in there, you will reach a point where you feel yourself or your partner softening. Simply hold each other until you feel the stress and pressure leave your body. Try to wait for that moment before you pull away. Then go on with your day. Repeat often.

Some people avoid casual kissing and hugging from their partners because they feel it leads to the expectation of sex. Hugging can help you enjoy touching and closeness with no agenda.